Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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