4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
