FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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