An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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