alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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