I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Randomize
