Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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