Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
