Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
