Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
