I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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