grandma shit on top of the toilet
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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