TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
