If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
