i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
