just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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