Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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