i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
