Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
