here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
