The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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