Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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