so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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