Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
