Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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