I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
