There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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