There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
