got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
