The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
