saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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