i don't like sucking hair
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Come see our sink grown plant.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
