So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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