Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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