i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
