i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
