If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
