my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
no you cant smoke seaweed
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
