My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
