Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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