i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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