i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow