she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
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You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
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Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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