I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
