I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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