I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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