I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
