false alarm. still invincible.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
