I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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