So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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