whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
