So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
