my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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