i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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