DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
