1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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