NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
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On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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