I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
