Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
