Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
