she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
