Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
