I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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