Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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