if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
